When I was younger there was a quote I hated. I cringed everytime I read it: "Bloom where you're planted". I thought that quote "trapped people" in their horrible situations. I think my deep opposition stemmed from my belief that my life would be a bed of roses if I could just get out of Chouteau. When I was 11 I just knew if me and my childhood friend Damien would drive to California right after our 16th birthdays, we were born a week apart, our lives would be amazing. I would find what I was looking for to feel complete there. By 1997 I hadn't seen Damien in 4 years and my presuppositions that California would be my resolve had vanished. Yep, New York City, was my new solution. If I could just live there everything would be perfect. I just knew it.
Shortly after I graduated high school I began to realize that I didn't want to leave my family and friends to go to New York. I was very confused because moving across the country was how I was going to resolve all my problems. I was baffled at my desire to stay. How in the world could I stay in Oklahoma?
In my mind I have always had a calender that somewhat like a never ending translucent gray hallway. Each day has a one foot board that has to be stepped over. I put the plans, ideas, and memories in each day go in their respective section. Up to this point I always saw my life as running towards the goal of leaving each day, hopping over the board to the next day. I never looked back because I WAS LEAVING.
This is how I saw it. In California, Damien and I would be best friends. We would be 16 and free, cruising down the road in my light teal convertable. When we became adults he would ask me to marry him. We would never fight and he would absolutly adore me.
By the time the dream of New York appeared on the scene I was fully aware that I was difficult to be around. In New York I would live by myself. I would live alone and love it. I would read books and go get coffee. I would be a photographer. I imagined coming home for the holidays and everyone absolutely adoring me. I would not fight with anyone because how can you be emotional when you have a perfectly calm life.
I think the underlying trend can be identified, adoration. When I was younger I thought if I could get out of my situations I could become admirable. If I could just be away from it all I could be who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be sad, bitter, or hateful anymore. Packing up and starting over would fix it all... right?
So you can imaging my dismay when my heart was telling me to stay. I was almost angry. How in the world was I going to do this? Luckily, my Momma raised me better than that. I knew that it wasn't things in this world that were going to help. So I turned to the God, the Father, and pleaded for His help. Together, He and I turned and looked down that hallway of all the mess I had left. I had sought to resolve very few situations because like any child I wasn't going to clean something just to throw it away.
The next few years were a time of huge transition. My loved ones were shocked. They were finally getting to see a side of me that I had hid from them. I one by one started righting each wrong. I forgave people. I asked forgiveness from people. I started sharing my dreams, ideas, and plans with people. The thing that shocked my loved ones the most was that I began comprimising with people for the good of my relationships.
Even though it was hard, the hardest thing I had ever done, I began to gain more than I ever thought possible. Not only did my love for people grow, my love for God became stronger than ever. He was with me every step of that journey. It felt as if he was holding my heart as I went in to get the pain out. I had pockets of Hell hiding in the places that God belonged. I knew it was His desire to be there so together we kept working. Together, we are still working in there: Walking up and down that long gray hallway of my life, with a trash bag. We are still finding things, still looking for more.
The greatest milestone in this whole process was the day I had a full realization how much had changed. I was in Wal-mart and I saw a ceramic plague that read: "Bloom where you are planted". This time when I read it eyes teared up instead of rolling like usual. I finally understood the meaning and beauty of "blooming where you are planted".