Blooming...

When I was younger there was a quote I hated. I cringed everytime I read it: "Bloom where you're planted". I thought that quote "trapped people" in their horrible situations. I think my deep opposition stemmed from my belief that my life would be a bed of roses if I could just get out of Chouteau. When I was 11 I just knew if me and my childhood friend Damien would drive to California right after our 16th birthdays, we were born a week apart, our lives would be amazing. I would find what I was looking for to feel complete there. By 1997 I hadn't seen Damien in 4 years and my presuppositions that California would be my resolve had vanished. Yep, New York City, was my new solution. If I could just live there everything would be perfect. I just knew it.
Shortly after I graduated high school I began to realize that I didn't want to leave my family and friends to go to New York. I was very confused because moving across the country was how I was going to resolve all my problems. I was baffled at my desire to stay. How in the world could I stay in Oklahoma?
In my mind I have always had a calender that somewhat like a never ending translucent gray hallway. Each day has a one foot board that has to be stepped over. I put the plans, ideas, and memories in each day go in their respective section. Up to this point I always saw my life as running towards the goal of leaving each day, hopping over the board to the next day. I never looked back because I WAS LEAVING.
This is how I saw it. In California, Damien and I would be best friends. We would be 16 and free, cruising down the road in my light teal convertable. When we became adults he would ask me to marry him. We would never fight and he would absolutly adore me.
By the time the dream of New York appeared on the scene I was fully aware that I was difficult to be around. In New York I would live by myself. I would live alone and love it. I would read books and go get coffee. I would be a photographer. I imagined coming home for the holidays and everyone absolutely adoring me. I would not fight with anyone because how can you be emotional when you have a perfectly calm life.
I think the underlying trend can be identified, adoration. When I was younger I thought if I could get out of my situations I could become admirable. If I could just be away from it all I could be who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be sad, bitter, or hateful anymore. Packing up and starting over would fix it all... right?
So you can imaging my dismay when my heart was telling me to stay. I was almost angry. How in the world was I going to do this? Luckily, my Momma raised me better than that. I knew that it wasn't things in this world that were going to help. So I turned to the God, the Father, and pleaded for His help. Together, He and I turned and looked down that hallway of all the mess I had left. I had sought to resolve very few situations because like any child I wasn't going to clean something just to throw it away.
The next few years were a time of huge transition. My loved ones were shocked. They were finally getting to see a side of me that I had hid from them. I one by one started righting each wrong. I forgave people. I asked forgiveness from people. I started sharing my dreams, ideas, and plans with people. The thing that shocked my loved ones the most was that I began comprimising with people for the good of my relationships.
Even though it was hard, the hardest thing I had ever done, I began to gain more than I ever thought possible. Not only did my love for people grow, my love for God became stronger than ever. He was with me every step of that journey. It felt as if he was holding my heart as I went in to get the pain out. I had pockets of Hell hiding in the places that God belonged. I knew it was His desire to be there so together we kept working. Together, we are still working in there: Walking up and down that long gray hallway of my life, with a trash bag. We are still finding things, still looking for more.
The greatest milestone in this whole process was the day I had a full realization how much had changed. I was in Wal-mart and I saw a ceramic plague that read: "Bloom where you are planted". This time when I read it eyes teared up instead of rolling like usual. I finally understood the meaning and beauty of "blooming where you are planted".

Things to think about... possibly write down.

"i don't believe everything happens for a reason; but the things that do are worth doing the things that don't.

The Wheels On The Bus... Have Stopped.

Last week, Tuesday August 18th at 10:25 a.m., I finished my last paper of my last class for my masters program in Christian Counseling. I thought when I finished I would feel instant relief. I didn't. It did feel amazing to hang out with my friends on Tuesday night without stress but I still didn't feel how I imagined it would. Tuesday night, nothing. Wednesday morning, nothing. Wednesday night, nothing. I knew that it would "hit me" eventually but I was beginning to wonder when it would. Thursday morning, as I was driving to work, I saw a school aged girl waiting for the bus. Seeing her reminded me that I rode the bus when I was in Elementary school. That's when it hit me: "I will not be going to school ANYMORE!" Instantly my tears began to roll. I couldn't believe I was done. I began to reflect on the past 24 years. I can recall sneaking onto the bookshelves to lie down while my mom went to "meet the teacher" in 1986. I remembered my third grade teacher kissing my cheek because I was upset I didn't finish my assignment on time. Despite all the diplomas, I still count winning "Accelerated Reader of the whole school" in the 5th grade my biggest achievement.
I also thought I would be very scared when I finished but I am not. I am welcoming the next steps of my life as a much needed change of pace. I am getting excited about the next things that God has for my life.

New Year's Resolutions

Since it is a new year to me,year 30, I will be making my New Year's Resolution. I have thought for a while and I think there should be four.

Drumroll, please........

1. Be a better penpal to my brother.

2. Write one hundred blog intries before it's first birthday.

3. Focus on increasing the fruits of the Spirit in my life.

4. Sing homemade songs to God again.

Happy Birthday To Me and My New Blog

Two words have been replaying in my mind for weeks. FRESH START! These two words summarize my spiritual, ecological, and relational beliefs. This will be my forum to share my new projects and my new life with you. Every year I get myself a birthday gift, well several actually, this year I am giving myself a blog. I am just going to start and see where it takes me.

Hope you enjoy it.