It's Time To Clean House Again

To my future family: I have decided that I don't want you to live in my past. I don't want you to be clothed in my disbelief of God's provision for us. I don't want to cram you into the mold that I made for you in my younger days. We, as a family, will be ourselves, together.

You may be asking yourself, "what is this woman lady talking about?" If you know me in real life you know what I am talking about. I have an entire storage unit of "stuff" that I saved for "my family". Some items were bought with the intentions of giving them to my future family and some were mine and I decided to save for when I needed "more stuff". Kind of like a "just add humans" scenario.

About a year ago I started clearing out my own stuff, shoes, shirts, skirts, pants, hats, and purses. You know all the stuff I "needed" so badly. Here were my three major wake-up calls:

1. My step-mom told that she heard that if you buy one thing you should get rid of two. I told her that plan would be great if I wanted less stuff but I don't. I. want. more. The words didn't hit me that day but they did later.

2. One day my aunt asked me "when is it (my amount of stuff) going to be enough?" I couldn't answer her that day. Then one day (much later), I called her back with an answer. That was when I realized that it "now" was the point that it was enough. That is where the battle actually began.

3. The most shocking of all three was when my childhood friend told me that he doesn't allow his children to state that they love an item. They love their family and people but not stuff. At first, I thought it was a bit over the top. Then I started to think it was "stupid". I have learned that when my brain starts using that word that is going to be the next issue up to bat in the game of "becoming more like my Savior". (This is not actually a game but a life goal. But, game sounds easier, right?) Anyways, the point of no return for me was the day my mouth said, before it got clearance from my brain, "that is so stupid because I do love stuff." I my knees buckled and my tears beat me to the floor because I heard my own words: "I. DO. LOVE. STUFF! That's my freaking problem."

Ok, so with a prayerful attitude I have majorly cleaned out my crap 5 times and I still have a plush amount of stuff. And sometimes I miss stuff. I never said I have finished this battle, I just invited you to the middle of it. Anyways, storage aside, I believe I have a decent amount of stuff now. Several friends have confirmed my progress so I was feeling pret-ty gooooood. (That is another thing to beware of.)

Since we are new friends I have to tell you a bit more background to the story. My whole life I have had bazillions of dreams where I was "getting ready, getting ready, getting ready" and never getting to go to my date, prom, wedding, whatever because I could not decide what to wear. If you know me you know I believe God speaks to me through dreams. If you don't know me now you do a tiny bit more. Back to business, those dreams had gone away for about 2 years. I believed it was because I had overcome the problem. Bingo, sounds good, let's move on, right? Wrong. This week I had not one, but two of these dreams in. the. same. night. This is one of those times when I wake up and say "Oh, Hell no". And I am literally telling Hell and it's cohorts, "No, you're done here." By the way, I do not say "Hell yes" or "Hells yeah". I only tell Hell no!

So during the week I'm trying to figure out how to defeat my enemy of materialism. In regular Shala fashion, I am seeking to hear what God is telling me and also seeking "multitude of counsel" aka friends, because that's wise, right? So, as my friend and I are trying to figure out how to break this stronghold it occurs to me that I have an entire household of stuff just waiting for a family. Then it occurs to me that I cannot put my husband into these dreams that I have been planning for us and expect him to "love it".

If these dreams worked they would already be working. But they are not, they are broken and they are not ours. They are my broken dreams: "Here love, come live in my broken dreams with me. Abide with the stuff that I chose for us in my valleys and pity parties. Some of the stuff was chosen for "us" when I was picturing a different "us". Yeah, that's healthy.

So long story short... ok, it's way too late for that: It's time to clean house again.

Start From The Start

The best way I know to get where you want to go is to really assess your starting point. Today, as I was reading a book about Agape love I began to assess my reality in comparison with the Word of God. The results were to be desired but the prognoses is promising.(smiles)

1 Corinthians 3:4-7:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, it does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

My reality compared to 1 Corinthians 3:4-7:
I am rarely patient, I am sometimes kind, and jealous quite often. I brag even when I when I am only half-way successful and I am completely arrogant when I am fully successful. I often act unbecomingly. I almost always seek my own. I allow myself to be provoked. I have a bank account of others wrong doings; with a pretty high interest rate. I rarely rejoice in unrighteousness and I do love the truth but I don’t bear many things. I believe some things but doubt the others. I will hope for things for a while but then lose hope. Then I will try to hope again. This cycle is exhausting. I endure at a moderate level.

My Swap Meeting

I had a pretty interesting Easter this year. I didn’t get to go to church in the morning because my mother and I were flying home from Georgia. On the plane I began crying and did not finish until the duration of the trip, both flights. I pulled a tank top out of my carry on and used it to wipe my tears. I tried tissues but my need surpassed their performance ability. As I was coming to the realization of my complete and total depravity a portion of a song titled Trading My Sorrows, sang by Darrel Evans, keeps replaying in my head.

“I'm trading my sorrow.
I'm trading my shame.
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord.”

I have hit an impasse in my life. There is one area that I have done all I can do. I have even tried to “fake it ‘till [I] make it”. After so long, you just have to conclude that you are just faking. So, as this verse keeps replaying in my head I began to correlate the similarities in my current personal life inventory and the components of the transaction in the song. It looks to me that I am a superb candidate for this offer. I have an abundance of sorrow from my own shortcomings and my accounts of shame are of tremendous proportions.
By the grace of God we land on time. (It had been thundering and lightening the majority of the day in OKC.) I told God I WAS getting to night service and we were going to do some swapping. I was running a bit already and then my car battery died. I laughed: No dead electronic is going to stop me. I figured that it would still be dead in three hours, so off I go in my mom’s tricked out ride. Upon arrival I greeted a friend, set my belonging in the back, and made a bee line to the front. The way I saw it I had a business transaction to conduct. If my Father wanted these things HE COULD HAVE THEM! They are just poisoning mine. Similar to AIDS, they are not killing me themselves but they were monopolizing all my resources and energy. They leave me with no room to endure ANYTHING else as evidenced incidences like snapping at my mom for not getting a good photo of me on the bungee jump thing when she AND another person got great photos of my brother. It sounds silly when I type it but this is my reality. I can not even handle small things like this.
So I stood there and cried again. I kept asking God, “What can you take? What can I give you?” He was faithful to show my a few scenes rather quickly. It is my belief that He would like these things gone just as much as I do. I was more than happy to hand these circumstances over because I had glanced at them in my heart before and I have never seen anything so disgusting before in my life, either in the natural or my mind. NEVER.
Praise God for the Easter Miracle and looking forward to the joy of the Lord in my life.

As you probably already know I like to dance to my own beat. Things are done a bit differently in my world. One of the things I take the most pride in are "my holidays". They are technically holidays for everybody but I like to recalibrate the importance of each holiday as I so desire. When it comes to April 22 I ,as M|A|R|R|S would say, "Pump Up The Volume". I love Earth Day. It is in my top 5 days of the year. Most people make resolutions once a year but I make them three times, New Years, my birthday (my new year), and Earth Day. This helps to keep me focused on the fact that we need to be CONTINUALLY resolving to better ourselves. This year I have a only one resolution. To me it will be huge because it will require that I make extra trips to... wherever you take this "stuff" to recycle. Maybe my first resolution should be to find out where one would take these items to be dropped off. Hehe. Just kidding.

Drum roll, please.

I RESOLVE TO RECYCLE GLASS AND ALUMINUM.

Here is a list of past Earth Day resolutions:
Recycle paper.
Plant flowers.
Use reusable bags at stores.
Pick up trash every time I see it and I can wash my hands shortly after.
Never litter.
Repurpose as many items as possible. (I try to be careful not to become a hoarder though. Hehe)

Rewind: 8.22.10

Almost 8 months ago I started driving home to go to church in Shawnee. Here are some quotes from "my homecoming service" on 8.22.11. It really set the tone for the next season in my life.

“We have to live with thankful hearts. Just make a commitment, a covenant with God today, ‘I will not go through a day not being thankful.’”

“Thankful people are active people.”

“Thankful people are people who want to bless others.”

“Every person has an inheritance.”

-Daniel Matthews
.CLICK HEREto find this amazing message in it's entirety.

So You're Telling Me There's a Chance

I am a "hope-er". Cancel that, I am an "expect-er". I expect that if there is a job or opportunity can happen to only one person that it might as well be me. I know that this is a very unique way of looking at things. It doesn't make sense statistically but luckily I never did well in math anyways. Think about it. Moses was one guy. God didn't hold a "captives release-er try-out". There was no "Hebrew Idol" for him to showcase his water parting skills. Nope, just one guy, one Holy plan. Abraham, Mary, David, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Hannah, Daniel, Isaiah... the list goes on and on: One person, one Holy plan. Just in case you aren't encouraged yet let's look at Saul/Paul. He was SUPER BAD when he was chosen by God. But God asked, he said yes and his life has been an example of God's EXTREME transforming power for generations.
It really doesn't matter what subject in my life is in question I figure that if God wants me to have something I'll get it. More importantly, if God wants me to do something He will supply me with the tools for us(me and Him) to complete it. There have been many times in my life in which my situations happened like that, "BOOM!" something just fell into my life. I didn't earn it or even deserve it but it just so happened that God knew I would do what He wanted done with it.
I am in a time of transformation in my life It all started with a desperate need for a Fresh Start. I wanted to clear the sin out of my life so that He could dwell with me again. Getting sin and it's "employees" out of my life has been a bit of a challenge but fortunately God can hear my desperate little voice even in the holes I have dug for myself. I am so thankful that He showed up even when the only words I could think to pray were, "GET IN HERE".
The main point here is, "God has a plan for EVERYONE. Even if the chances look slim. I expect to be used by God not because I am super awesome but because He is super awesome.


"What are my chances?"
"Not good."
"You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?"
"I'd say more like one out of a million."
"So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*"
-Dumb and Dumber

30 List… Check.

A few weeks ago I was having dinner with a substantially younger friend of mine. He and I were reflecting on the next biggest milestone in my life, turning 30. He shared with me a series of events that another friend of his sought to accomplish before he turned 30. He called it a “30 list”. It is similar to a “bucket list” but death is not the deadline (pun intended), the deadline is one’s 30th birthday. I instantly became a tiny bit sad because I did not make a 30 list. Due to current financial difficulties I doubt it would be emotionally wise to create a list that I could not complete on account of being one step above an orphan.

In the last few days I have been reading blogs about two other “bloggers’ that have reached this brilliant age this week. One of these bloggers created a modified version of the 30 list. She challenged herself to do something new for thirty days. It is very exciting to read her daily adventures as she reports them on her blog. The other blogger created a list of the most monumental stuff that occurred each year in her 20’s. I really loved that idea. These ideas really put me back to the thirty list idea.

Then, out of the blue it hit me: “How do you NOT have a 30 list. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED TO DO!!! Baby, you have a 30 list:”

Learn how to overcome bullies… check.
Learn how fix my hair by myself… check.
Overcome my fear of talking to people… check.
Jump off of a huge cliff into water… check.
Be on a Student Council… check.
Win a soccer championship… check.
Pass Pre-algebra… check.
Be in a dance recital… check.
Become a Lifeguide… check.
Learn how to snowboard… check.
Be a better snowboarder than the boys in my youth group… check.
Become a leader in my youth group… check.
Overcome fears concerning public speaking… check.
Become a cheerleader… check.
Win ribbons for my photography... check.
Become photography editor for my high school yearbook… check.
Pass Algebra 1… check.
Pass Algebra 2… check.
Get out of high school without earning a C… check.
Get a job working with kids… check.
Learn how to dress for my body type… check.
Pass College Algebra… check.
Win an intermural soccer championship… check.
Get a Bachelor’s degree… check.
Learn how to follow God better… check.
Completely transform every relationship I have… check.
Go camping with my friends… check.
Fly on an airplane… check.
Teach myself the art of decorating cakes… check.
Go canoeing and sleep by a river… check.
Get a cruiser bike and ride it on Riverside… check.
Go to an OSU football game… check.
Rent a perfectly posh little house in Mid-town… check.
Get my own art room… check.
Get a Master’s degree… check.
Sell something I made in a store… check.
Get a job as a therapist… check.

The only things I can think that I have left to do are:

Learn to sew with a machine.
Become Debt free.
Have a booth at Mayfest.
Visit Time Square.
Learn Spanish.
Go surfing.
See if anyone wants to sign up to be a family with me.
Buy a house.

I think I should let the last 8 space themselves out over the next 40-50 years. (smiles)

Rewind: Small Wonderful

When I was a child I had a favorite show. As I have already explained that I have an obsession with robots of the 80's persuasion it should come as no surprise to you that Small Wonder was the show I lived to watch. Proper Bully etiquette states that in an attempt to ruin a person's life one should try to ruin all her favorite experiences for her. My bully decided that my new name should be "Small Wonder". He went on to define his reasoning: "Because you are small and you 'wonder' around the room." I had no success in my attempt to inform him that the problem that haunted me in my everyday of my life was described as "wandering". Nope, the "Small Wonder" train had left the station and several of my classmates were on board. Being small was no walk in the park either but by third grade I had learned there was absolutely no point in defending my honor in the height department.
Here is a visual of the "awesomality" of "Small Wonder".

Fast-foward 10 years. During a group therapy session at a camp I attended, it was a camp for "peer-counselors" I disclosed that my childhood bully mocked me daily with "Small Wonder, Small Wonder". Then, from the back of the room, an amazing upperclassmen "hollered"[1] one of the top 10 best things ever said to me in my life. This was not just any "ole" senior. This was one of the few, very few, seniors I respected. She was very established as a person. She wasn't flighty or pretentious. She had a poise I adored. She stated, right in front of God and everybody, that she thought I was "Small Wonderful". It's amazing how one statement can redeem a entire event. It can and that day it did.

When attempting to think of a name for my "brand" I wanted one that would be a secret code for God's redeeming plans. I was reminded of the way that God used the words of another to transform bitterness into joy inside my heart. That was that... and now you know.

Batch 1

Batch 2

[1]"Hollered" is an Oklahoma word for talking really loud. It is the volume of yelling but contains no disdain.

It's Serious Thirty

About a year ago I was in a store. Over the sound system I heard a phrase that I mistook for "It's serious thirty". I thought the announcer was creating a play on words to acknowledge that it was time to get serious. I instantly fell in love with this phrase. I began using it all the time when composing and completing my agendas. I later discovered that the radio station that I was listening to was accessible on a satellite radio named Sirius. It was channel 30. However, Serious Thirty was locked in my brain for life.

Last night at church my pastor was speaking about a woman named Hannah in the Bible. He shared that she was really desperate to birth a child. She was so desperate that she was willing to give her child completely to God after he was born. She was serious. I began weeping. Luckily, I sit in the back of the church so I was able to ask a young woman who was headed to the rest room if she could bring back a tissue for me. As the tears were rolling down my face I began to mentally stack up the issues of desperation in my own life. By this time my pastor was clarifying the importance of Hannah's offspring. God needed Samuel to complete His plans. Samuel was not just a "show up for Sunday" follower of God. From birth Samuel's life was set aside for the purposes of God. He went on to do amazing things for God. These things not only changed the course of His life but the lives of every believer that has ever gleaned anything from his book. His book is located in the most Holy of all compositions, the Bible.

After church, I began to contemplate the common denominators in my life and Hannah's life. Desperation at the feet of God is the most significant on the list. Public humiliation ranked second. My next thought was the most important of all. Hannah did not back off of her pleading with God and her offspring(end result) was amazing. I imagine it was far more than she had planned for her infant. I really had not considered the possibility for my delays might be because I need a situation as specific as Samuel's birth. It was the right person, time, and place for God to do exactly what he wanted to do.
I have a situation in my life right now that I loathe. I want to run away from it and leave it to it's own demise. Well, that is not entirely true. Only the bitter and hurt part of my heart wants to do that. The other part wants to go to the throne of God and plead and plead and plead that my plans will be transformed until they are a perfect replica of God's blueprints for my life. Taking 2 Corinthians 10:5 into consideration I will take the thoughts of aborting the mission completely captive. And I will consider the inspiration of Hannah not backing down to fuel to keep my heart super charged.
It's time to get really serious about Matthew 6:10, "Your Kingdom come, YOUR WILL BE DONE". It's time to do what I have to do to sort out my plan, Satan's plans, and God's plans for my life. It's serious thirty.

The Pity Party Has Been Canceled For This Evening

An event took place in my day today that I hate. This situation has happened more than I would like to admit. One minute I'm fine, then as soon as the data enters my brain I am no longer fine and my heart begins beating twice as fast as the speed of sound. I hate it. Hate is a strong word but it is not strong enough. I wanted to cry. Correction, I did cry. The most pathetic of all noises came from my mouth. I can not describe this noise as a sound. I can only describe when I have heard it before. This noise can be heard when you demand that a three year old girl stop crying. If obedient, she will give full effort to silence herself. She will have little success and the product of her attempt will be a replica of my response.

It is my hearts desire to be walking on a path with God that I have never walked before. Today's event was like walking in on a trail only to see that I have made it to the same old tree that I have stopped at dozens of time. Then I began to remember the Isrealites. They walked in the desert for 40 years. I can tell you I don't want to be here 30 more years. I didn't know how to guide myself off of this path so I hit my knees and asked God to show me how to get off of the current trail and onto the path to the promised land. As I did this the same old thoughts were bringing their supplies for the grand pity parties that they are accousomed to hosting. Instead of welcoming them I began reflecting on the promises I made to God ten years ago. Ten years I would have had more hope in my Heavenly Father's plans for my life. I would have trusted that He knows what He is doing with me. God is not any less holy, honorable, kind, forgiving, or loving than He was ten years ago so today I refuse to respond to Him as anything less than the Highest regard.
I'm sure that the usual attendants of the Shala Peeples Pity Party were surprised at my reaction. Quite frankly, I was too but a lady's got to do what a lady's do.

Seeking a Fresh Start

It occurred to me that I have never written the meaning behind the title of my blog. A few months before I graduated I read a descripton on a friend’s Facebook that really got my attention. He referred to himself as a “born again Christian”. Even though I am in fact a “born again Christian” I never refer to myself as that. There is no explanation as to why I don’t but none the less I don’t. As I read those words something deep within me jerked my heart strings. I wanted to feel “born again”… again. I became a Christian when I was a child. I had one defining moment as a “tween” that verified my salvation for me. I also had a major life transformation in 2001. During that time God changed my life in a miraculous way. However, sometime between January 2006 and March 2010 my life became unrecognizable to me. I was so busy and exhausted from my graduate studies that I don’t really know when I stopped doing the things I loved and became the person who I stumbled upon in the mirror this Spring . Not to say that I am not pleased at the many positive changes that came with the maturity brought about by the hardships of that time but part of me was in hibernation and needed to be awakened.
As I read those words on Facebook I began to cry out to God. I knew I needed a fresh start in order to began to feel new in Christ, to really feel “born again”. I wanted to go through a period of time in which I would decide to what parts of my life I would keep and throw away from the last four and a half years. The journey has not been as easy as I had hoped but none the less I am still “trudging through the mud” and searching for the sheer joy of the Lord that I knew before. I just keep Jeremiah 29:13 as the banner on the front lines, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”

Blooming...

When I was younger there was a quote I hated. I cringed everytime I read it: "Bloom where you're planted". I thought that quote "trapped people" in their horrible situations. I think my deep opposition stemmed from my belief that my life would be a bed of roses if I could just get out of Chouteau. When I was 11 I just knew if me and my childhood friend Damien would drive to California right after our 16th birthdays, we were born a week apart, our lives would be amazing. I would find what I was looking for to feel complete there. By 1997 I hadn't seen Damien in 4 years and my presuppositions that California would be my resolve had vanished. Yep, New York City, was my new solution. If I could just live there everything would be perfect. I just knew it.
Shortly after I graduated high school I began to realize that I didn't want to leave my family and friends to go to New York. I was very confused because moving across the country was how I was going to resolve all my problems. I was baffled at my desire to stay. How in the world could I stay in Oklahoma?
In my mind I have always had a calender that somewhat like a never ending translucent gray hallway. Each day has a one foot board that has to be stepped over. I put the plans, ideas, and memories in each day go in their respective section. Up to this point I always saw my life as running towards the goal of leaving each day, hopping over the board to the next day. I never looked back because I WAS LEAVING.
This is how I saw it. In California, Damien and I would be best friends. We would be 16 and free, cruising down the road in my light teal convertable. When we became adults he would ask me to marry him. We would never fight and he would absolutly adore me.
By the time the dream of New York appeared on the scene I was fully aware that I was difficult to be around. In New York I would live by myself. I would live alone and love it. I would read books and go get coffee. I would be a photographer. I imagined coming home for the holidays and everyone absolutely adoring me. I would not fight with anyone because how can you be emotional when you have a perfectly calm life.
I think the underlying trend can be identified, adoration. When I was younger I thought if I could get out of my situations I could become admirable. If I could just be away from it all I could be who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be sad, bitter, or hateful anymore. Packing up and starting over would fix it all... right?
So you can imaging my dismay when my heart was telling me to stay. I was almost angry. How in the world was I going to do this? Luckily, my Momma raised me better than that. I knew that it wasn't things in this world that were going to help. So I turned to the God, the Father, and pleaded for His help. Together, He and I turned and looked down that hallway of all the mess I had left. I had sought to resolve very few situations because like any child I wasn't going to clean something just to throw it away.
The next few years were a time of huge transition. My loved ones were shocked. They were finally getting to see a side of me that I had hid from them. I one by one started righting each wrong. I forgave people. I asked forgiveness from people. I started sharing my dreams, ideas, and plans with people. The thing that shocked my loved ones the most was that I began comprimising with people for the good of my relationships.
Even though it was hard, the hardest thing I had ever done, I began to gain more than I ever thought possible. Not only did my love for people grow, my love for God became stronger than ever. He was with me every step of that journey. It felt as if he was holding my heart as I went in to get the pain out. I had pockets of Hell hiding in the places that God belonged. I knew it was His desire to be there so together we kept working. Together, we are still working in there: Walking up and down that long gray hallway of my life, with a trash bag. We are still finding things, still looking for more.
The greatest milestone in this whole process was the day I had a full realization how much had changed. I was in Wal-mart and I saw a ceramic plague that read: "Bloom where you are planted". This time when I read it eyes teared up instead of rolling like usual. I finally understood the meaning and beauty of "blooming where you are planted".