Thursday, December 16, 2010
Marco...
My life, in many areas, is sailing into unknown territory, which totally freaks me out. I like to know “what kind, which one, how many” (Shurley Method) to everything. So, I don’t care for uncharted waters. There has been one situation, a situation with God, that has occurred this week that I did not know how to handle. However, considering past experiences, I know one way “how not to handle it”. This time around I want to handle it in accordance with God’s plan for my life. I want His grace and presence to be “all over it”. So I implement the best plan I know, Marco Polo with God. I keep crying out to Him and I keep trying to find Him and I stop when I find Him. It’s not the kind of plan that authors write “step by step” books about but it is my best plan. Jeremiah 29:11 reads, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.(NIV)” Best I can tell that is a game of Holy Marco Polo. So I continue to cry out with all my heart until I find Him and His agenda. So… Marco!!!
Quote of the Day: 12.16.10
In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
-Albert Camus
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Seeking a Fresh Start
It occurred to me that I have never written the meaning behind the title of my blog. A few months before I graduated I read a descripton on a friend’s Facebook that really got my attention. He referred to himself as a “born again Christian”. Even though I am in fact a “born again Christian” I never refer to myself as that. There is no explanation as to why I don’t but none the less I don’t. As I read those words something deep within me jerked my heart strings. I wanted to feel “born again”… again. I became a Christian when I was a child. I had one defining moment as a “tween” that verified my salvation for me. I also had a major life transformation in 2001. During that time God changed my life in a miraculous way. However, sometime between January 2006 and March 2010 my life became unrecognizable to me. I was so busy and exhausted from my graduate studies that I don’t really know when I stopped doing the things I loved and became the person who I stumbled upon in the mirror this Spring . Not to say that I am not pleased at the many positive changes that came with the maturity brought about by the hardships of that time but part of me was in hibernation and needed to be awakened.
As I read those words on Facebook I began to cry out to God. I knew I needed a fresh start in order to began to feel new in Christ, to really feel “born again”. I wanted to go through a period of time in which I would decide to what parts of my life I would keep and throw away from the last four and a half years. The journey has not been as easy as I had hoped but none the less I am still “trudging through the mud” and searching for the sheer joy of the Lord that I knew before. I just keep Jeremiah 29:13 as the banner on the front lines, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
As I read those words on Facebook I began to cry out to God. I knew I needed a fresh start in order to began to feel new in Christ, to really feel “born again”. I wanted to go through a period of time in which I would decide to what parts of my life I would keep and throw away from the last four and a half years. The journey has not been as easy as I had hoped but none the less I am still “trudging through the mud” and searching for the sheer joy of the Lord that I knew before. I just keep Jeremiah 29:13 as the banner on the front lines, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Friday, November 12, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Blooming...
When I was younger there was a quote I hated. I cringed everytime I read it: "Bloom where you're planted". I thought that quote "trapped people" in their horrible situations. I think my deep opposition stemmed from my belief that my life would be a bed of roses if I could just get out of Chouteau. When I was 11 I just knew if me and my childhood friend Damien would drive to California right after our 16th birthdays, we were born a week apart, our lives would be amazing. I would find what I was looking for to feel complete there. By 1997 I hadn't seen Damien in 4 years and my presuppositions that California would be my resolve had vanished. Yep, New York City, was my new solution. If I could just live there everything would be perfect. I just knew it.
Shortly after I graduated high school I began to realize that I didn't want to leave my family and friends to go to New York. I was very confused because moving across the country was how I was going to resolve all my problems. I was baffled at my desire to stay. How in the world could I stay in Oklahoma?
In my mind I have always had a calender that somewhat like a never ending translucent gray hallway. Each day has a one foot board that has to be stepped over. I put the plans, ideas, and memories in each day go in their respective section. Up to this point I always saw my life as running towards the goal of leaving each day, hopping over the board to the next day. I never looked back because I WAS LEAVING.
This is how I saw it. In California, Damien and I would be best friends. We would be 16 and free, cruising down the road in my light teal convertable. When we became adults he would ask me to marry him. We would never fight and he would absolutly adore me.
By the time the dream of New York appeared on the scene I was fully aware that I was difficult to be around. In New York I would live by myself. I would live alone and love it. I would read books and go get coffee. I would be a photographer. I imagined coming home for the holidays and everyone absolutely adoring me. I would not fight with anyone because how can you be emotional when you have a perfectly calm life.
I think the underlying trend can be identified, adoration. When I was younger I thought if I could get out of my situations I could become admirable. If I could just be away from it all I could be who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be sad, bitter, or hateful anymore. Packing up and starting over would fix it all... right?
So you can imaging my dismay when my heart was telling me to stay. I was almost angry. How in the world was I going to do this? Luckily, my Momma raised me better than that. I knew that it wasn't things in this world that were going to help. So I turned to the God, the Father, and pleaded for His help. Together, He and I turned and looked down that hallway of all the mess I had left. I had sought to resolve very few situations because like any child I wasn't going to clean something just to throw it away.
The next few years were a time of huge transition. My loved ones were shocked. They were finally getting to see a side of me that I had hid from them. I one by one started righting each wrong. I forgave people. I asked forgiveness from people. I started sharing my dreams, ideas, and plans with people. The thing that shocked my loved ones the most was that I began comprimising with people for the good of my relationships.
Even though it was hard, the hardest thing I had ever done, I began to gain more than I ever thought possible. Not only did my love for people grow, my love for God became stronger than ever. He was with me every step of that journey. It felt as if he was holding my heart as I went in to get the pain out. I had pockets of Hell hiding in the places that God belonged. I knew it was His desire to be there so together we kept working. Together, we are still working in there: Walking up and down that long gray hallway of my life, with a trash bag. We are still finding things, still looking for more.
The greatest milestone in this whole process was the day I had a full realization how much had changed. I was in Wal-mart and I saw a ceramic plague that read: "Bloom where you are planted". This time when I read it eyes teared up instead of rolling like usual. I finally understood the meaning and beauty of "blooming where you are planted".
Shortly after I graduated high school I began to realize that I didn't want to leave my family and friends to go to New York. I was very confused because moving across the country was how I was going to resolve all my problems. I was baffled at my desire to stay. How in the world could I stay in Oklahoma?
In my mind I have always had a calender that somewhat like a never ending translucent gray hallway. Each day has a one foot board that has to be stepped over. I put the plans, ideas, and memories in each day go in their respective section. Up to this point I always saw my life as running towards the goal of leaving each day, hopping over the board to the next day. I never looked back because I WAS LEAVING.
This is how I saw it. In California, Damien and I would be best friends. We would be 16 and free, cruising down the road in my light teal convertable. When we became adults he would ask me to marry him. We would never fight and he would absolutly adore me.
By the time the dream of New York appeared on the scene I was fully aware that I was difficult to be around. In New York I would live by myself. I would live alone and love it. I would read books and go get coffee. I would be a photographer. I imagined coming home for the holidays and everyone absolutely adoring me. I would not fight with anyone because how can you be emotional when you have a perfectly calm life.
I think the underlying trend can be identified, adoration. When I was younger I thought if I could get out of my situations I could become admirable. If I could just be away from it all I could be who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be sad, bitter, or hateful anymore. Packing up and starting over would fix it all... right?
So you can imaging my dismay when my heart was telling me to stay. I was almost angry. How in the world was I going to do this? Luckily, my Momma raised me better than that. I knew that it wasn't things in this world that were going to help. So I turned to the God, the Father, and pleaded for His help. Together, He and I turned and looked down that hallway of all the mess I had left. I had sought to resolve very few situations because like any child I wasn't going to clean something just to throw it away.
The next few years were a time of huge transition. My loved ones were shocked. They were finally getting to see a side of me that I had hid from them. I one by one started righting each wrong. I forgave people. I asked forgiveness from people. I started sharing my dreams, ideas, and plans with people. The thing that shocked my loved ones the most was that I began comprimising with people for the good of my relationships.
Even though it was hard, the hardest thing I had ever done, I began to gain more than I ever thought possible. Not only did my love for people grow, my love for God became stronger than ever. He was with me every step of that journey. It felt as if he was holding my heart as I went in to get the pain out. I had pockets of Hell hiding in the places that God belonged. I knew it was His desire to be there so together we kept working. Together, we are still working in there: Walking up and down that long gray hallway of my life, with a trash bag. We are still finding things, still looking for more.
The greatest milestone in this whole process was the day I had a full realization how much had changed. I was in Wal-mart and I saw a ceramic plague that read: "Bloom where you are planted". This time when I read it eyes teared up instead of rolling like usual. I finally understood the meaning and beauty of "blooming where you are planted".
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Things to think about... possibly write down.
"i don't believe everything happens for a reason; but the things that do are worth doing the things that don't.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Wheels On The Bus... Have Stopped.
Last week, Tuesday August 18th at 10:25 a.m., I finished my last paper of my last class for my masters program in Christian Counseling. I thought when I finished I would feel instant relief. I didn't. It did feel amazing to hang out with my friends on Tuesday night without stress but I still didn't feel how I imagined it would. Tuesday night, nothing. Wednesday morning, nothing. Wednesday night, nothing. I knew that it would "hit me" eventually but I was beginning to wonder when it would. Thursday morning, as I was driving to work, I saw a school aged girl waiting for the bus. Seeing her reminded me that I rode the bus when I was in Elementary school. That's when it hit me: "I will not be going to school ANYMORE!" Instantly my tears began to roll. I couldn't believe I was done. I began to reflect on the past 24 years. I can recall sneaking onto the bookshelves to lie down while my mom went to "meet the teacher" in 1986. I remembered my third grade teacher kissing my cheek because I was upset I didn't finish my assignment on time. Despite all the diplomas, I still count winning "Accelerated Reader of the whole school" in the 5th grade my biggest achievement.
I also thought I would be very scared when I finished but I am not. I am welcoming the next steps of my life as a much needed change of pace. I am getting excited about the next things that God has for my life.
I also thought I would be very scared when I finished but I am not. I am welcoming the next steps of my life as a much needed change of pace. I am getting excited about the next things that God has for my life.
Monday, July 26, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
Since it is a new year to me,year 30, I will be making my New Year's Resolution. I have thought for a while and I think there should be four.
Drumroll, please........
1. Be a better penpal to my brother.
2. Write one hundred blog intries before it's first birthday.
3. Focus on increasing the fruits of the Spirit in my life.
4. Sing homemade songs to God again.
Drumroll, please........
1. Be a better penpal to my brother.
2. Write one hundred blog intries before it's first birthday.
3. Focus on increasing the fruits of the Spirit in my life.
4. Sing homemade songs to God again.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Happy Birthday To Me and My New Blog
Two words have been replaying in my mind for weeks. FRESH START! These two words summarize my spiritual, ecological, and relational beliefs. This will be my forum to share my new projects and my new life with you. Every year I get myself a birthday gift, well several actually, this year I am giving myself a blog. I am just going to start and see where it takes me.
Hope you enjoy it.
Hope you enjoy it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)