I had a pretty interesting Easter this year. I didn’t get to go to church in the morning because my mother and I were flying home from Georgia. On the plane I began crying and did not finish until the duration of the trip, both flights. I pulled a tank top out of my carry on and used it to wipe my tears. I tried tissues but my need surpassed their performance ability. As I was coming to the realization of my complete and total depravity a portion of a song titled Trading My Sorrows, sang by Darrel Evans, keeps replaying in my head.
“I'm trading my sorrow.
I'm trading my shame.
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord.”
I have hit an impasse in my life. There is one area that I have done all I can do. I have even tried to “fake it ‘till [I] make it”. After so long, you just have to conclude that you are just faking. So, as this verse keeps replaying in my head I began to correlate the similarities in my current personal life inventory and the components of the transaction in the song. It looks to me that I am a superb candidate for this offer. I have an abundance of sorrow from my own shortcomings and my accounts of shame are of tremendous proportions.
By the grace of God we land on time. (It had been thundering and lightening the majority of the day in OKC.) I told God I WAS getting to night service and we were going to do some swapping. I was running a bit already and then my car battery died. I laughed: No dead electronic is going to stop me. I figured that it would still be dead in three hours, so off I go in my mom’s tricked out ride. Upon arrival I greeted a friend, set my belonging in the back, and made a bee line to the front. The way I saw it I had a business transaction to conduct. If my Father wanted these things HE COULD HAVE THEM! They are just poisoning mine. Similar to AIDS, they are not killing me themselves but they were monopolizing all my resources and energy. They leave me with no room to endure ANYTHING else as evidenced incidences like snapping at my mom for not getting a good photo of me on the bungee jump thing when she AND another person got great photos of my brother. It sounds silly when I type it but this is my reality. I can not even handle small things like this.
So I stood there and cried again. I kept asking God, “What can you take? What can I give you?” He was faithful to show my a few scenes rather quickly. It is my belief that He would like these things gone just as much as I do. I was more than happy to hand these circumstances over because I had glanced at them in my heart before and I have never seen anything so disgusting before in my life, either in the natural or my mind. NEVER.
Praise God for the Easter Miracle and looking forward to the joy of the Lord in my life.